Why I Don't Wear Nylons

Yesterday I decided to wear nylons to church. I don't like them, so I rarely do. Usually I just go without and hope I remembered to shave my legs. (I did run home between meetings at church once to retrieve a pair when I noticed a heavily wooded area just below my knee-lenth skirt line, one Sunday! I remember wondering if it would be faster to shave the forest or find a pair of nylons with minimal runs and then proceed with the tug-o-war. On another occasion, I noticed on Monday that I'd only shaved one leg! Oops!) The only ones I found without runs were thigh highs. After sacrament meeting I went into primary. This week I was in charge of the full time for both Jr. and Sr. while the Presidency had a board meeting with all of our teachers. That isn't a big deal. We needed the time to work on our Christmas songs. I stood up in Jr. Primary and almost immediately I felt a shift in my nylons. They both started falling down. I tried to do a bit of discreet tugging (I thought the subs must have been wondering if I had ants in my pants. If it had been all women subs I would have been more likely to explain myself and go fix the problem, but there was a guy with sunbeams on the front row.) I tried to stand with my legs slightly crossed so my legs would hold them in one place. I couldn't move, and I must have looked ridiculous. It occurs to me now that the little dance I was doing, along with the crossed legs, probably gave the teachers a totally different idea of my problem! Well, they kept getting lower and I was afraid they'd end up pooled around my ankles at any moment. So I invited a sub to come up and help flip pictures for the kids. Then I told the kids that I was going to stand out in the hall to see if they could sing loud enough for me to hear all of the words. I ran for the bathroom and removed the nylons. I ran back in time to hear the last few lines of the song. Phew! I threw the nylons in back of the piano as I walked back into the room. And that's why I never wear nylons! Who was the idiot who came up with these things! I guess I'll go back to my bare leg standard. --And I'm retiring my thigh-highs forever. I may work on a thick German accent just in case I forget to shave. No picture with this post--use your imagination!